Polycystic Ovaries = Less of a Woman (Apparently)

I have known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to naturally conceive. I’d have to consume strong steroids amongst other undesirable methods to be able to trick my body into ovulating. While I believe that science has brought us a long way, nature also dictates; and nature has dictated to me that I should not be having children. While I do not judge women who do, do this I personally do not want to do this to my body.

Because of my ovaries I have had a number of issues stemming from this, typically with Polycystic ovaries (PCOS)…

  • I am hairier than the average girl
  • I am hypoglycaemic
  • I have alopecia
PCOS Awareness Infographic

PCOS Awareness Infographic (PRNewsFoto/PCOS Challenge, Inc.)

Outside of this…

  • I am lactose intolerant

While some hereditary and some not I have no desperate need to want to pass such ailments on to my kids!

I have slowly found out all of the above at different times in my life which has enabled me to cope with all of them at separate times. And I am okay with them. I have dealt with them in different ways and while I have painted myself as this bloated, diabetic, patchy chimp I have had no issues pulling, but I digress.

I was faced today with someone who told me that this infertility issue was a deal breaker, and it made me really upset! Then angry. I knew full well that this would be the case with a lot of men but I actually thought about this and put it in context. While the guy I that said it to me is a love interest and I absolutely adore, I couldn’t help but get annoyed. It’s not his fault, we are hard wired as humans to want to do repopulate the earth. But I felt less of a woman for a split second because I wasn’t able to do one of the most primitive of things, reproduce.

But I have so much more to offer that was completely overlooked by him, I have been told I am generous, funny, helpful and caring and that I do my best to make things special for people. I graft real hard for the people I care about and I will not be reduced down by a maneven my female gynaecologist, to the ability of my ovaries. I did not choose this life, even if I had an option it wouldn’t be to pop out 15 kids. This is what was given and I am dealing with it in the ways that I am able to. When I am in a financially better position I will 100% adopt a child who deserves a good loving home and you can place bets on that. But I am naturally restricted to having my own; so that makes me less of a desirable candidate than someone who can? Nah.

My “broken” ovaries make me who I am; ailments and all. My physical imperfections, my wretched anxiety and my inability to digest lactose make me special, make me different from the next woman so I do not need your…

“Oh that must suck!”

or your

“Is that okay with you though?”

or your

“Really? Does that not bother you?”

What? That I cannot create a baby? Because that is my sole purpose?
Would that make me more normal? More of a stronger structure in society?

My ovaries are a part of me but do not define my sheer existence in regards to my contribution to the world as we know it. There is more to me than that; there is more to YOU than that.

I am me and I am beautiful, inside and out.

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

Emotional Abuse – The Aftermath

“Please understand the following. I know you by now, VERY well I believe. You have a tender generous heart combines with a sharp intelligence, only a stupid person would not appreciate this. He is with someone but believe me he will never be with someone like you. Every person that knows you has the benefit. Your friendship will modify their life for good, because that is the power of your unique personality. He doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts”

– A good friend (EP)

I cried after reading that.

EP is a more recent friend and colleague. Our anxiety with relationships and the stress of our jobs brought us closer together. And although this isn’t necessarily a great circumstance, I am glad because I have so much time, love and respect for him. I will always have a soft spot for him.

The emotional abuse I suffered over a year ago now still haunts me to this day.

It has manifested into something beyond just pain. The anxiety has almost consumed my dating life to the point where I longer wanted to pursue it, and tell myself I am better being alone than having to deal with a situation I cannot yet handle. But if I do not put myself out there and deal with it I cannot get over it, so what do I do?

At the end of January 2016 I had a massive freak out with a guy I worked with because he claimed he was too busy to see me for a whole month. Even for a drink after work. I freaked out because he was showing the same characteristics as Carl, the Irish Guard, and I wasn’t interested in being in that place again. So I decided to take a break from dating.

In February Carl got in contact and I broke down. I realised I wasn’t actually over it. After telling him where to go I opted into counselling, but with the current state of the NHS I only got my appointment at the end of April. Between that time I was happy not having to live up to anyones expectations, not having to win anyones affection, just being me. Just being with my friends and family and enjoying what I wanted to do; enjoying the new motorbike I bought myself. Enjoying the company of people who cared about me; until my councillor decided that maybe I should get myself back out there to conquer my fear of being treated like an inferior. And I done it the only way I knew how. Online.

In a more recent month-long affair I had, it was somewhat refreshing. It was nice to be respected, to know where I stood. Until one day he began to treat me exactly like Carl did when I began to show some real interest. In order to defend myself I automatically began to take procedures to shut it down. I refuse to be treated like I am inferior and that I do not deserve the most basic respect of telling me what is really going on; just to ignore me after asking me what I am doing on the weekend.
It’s weak.
It’s not cool.
It’s not masculine.
It’s disrespectful.

My natural reaction was to get anxious. I was anxious for a day and then I thought… Why am I getting anxious? Why am I wasting my thoughts and happiness on someone who hasn’t got the back bone to tell me what his issue is? But what am I going to do differently next time? How can I prevent something I have no control over? This is my issue. This is what prevents my anxiety but also causes it.

Control

If I can control a situation then I can prevent the pain, or cushion the blow. But how do you do that in a relationship? You can’t…

Quotefancy-13815-3840x2160.jpg

Then he responded.

“So obviously I went out and got drunk last night because of the meeting I had, you’re probably not going to like this, because you must know how much I have come to like you in such a short space of time. I reckon there is not a chance of you waiting for me as it looks like I am getting deployed on the 22nd of this month. I mean, I would like you to wait for me but the ball is pretty much in your court.”

2 days of nothing.
Then that.

He was out on the piss because he is now going on tour for 6 months to Afghanistan. While this is something that of course warrants a big piss up RAF style, I still feel like 2 days of no contact whatsoever was still not fair on me. He knows this behaviour makes me anxious but how much am I supposed to be okay with? I don’t know. That’s a big deal right? He want’s a relationship with me but then doesn’t tell me until 2 days after finding out that he is going? Then asks me to wait for him. Is that fair? My sister says that I have to release some control and learn to be okay with it but do I really? I don’t know if he would think it’s okay if I done that. Probably not. So why do it to me?

I said to him I thought he had lost interest because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He asked why? I said because usually when a guy treats me like it’s because he want’s to get rid of me. Then he said he doesn’t know why I would think that. It’s because he doesn’t understand and probably never will.

So he is going away, I like him but I am not in a relationship with him, what to do…?
I mean, I am 25 going on mid-life crisis with this motorbike but it makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
My family makes me happy.
I was happy before he made me just a little more happy.

But our last meal together for the year is on Friday.

We will see.

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

Speed Dating Part 2: What are the chances?

After I told my friend Hannah about the speed dating I went on with Mia she wanted to go too so I arranged another day to go. This time there were only 10 men, which was massively disappointing, but I was at a point where I was comfortable enough in myself to not care so much about what the outcome of this speed dating would be.

Long story short, I saw a guy there that was at the 1st round of speed dating and he and 6 other guys ticked Hannah and 6 guys ticked me. One of those guys called me intimidating because I was dressed professionally. This made met think that if he feels that way he can fuck off with his tick. I was not impressed with any of them and nor was Hannah so we decided to get a free event because that’s what http://www.speeddater.co.uk guarantees if you do not meet anyone. Hannah lied on the site but did in fact meet Harry and another guy called Roy. She went on a few dates with both and decided eventually to tell them she was no longer interested so that was that… or so we thought.

We booked our free event and Mia came with us on this occasion too. All 3 of us are at the bar and Hannah all of a sudden becomes hysterical! She then runs behind me and says that she saw Roy walk into the bar and she can’t let him see her because she blew him off just last week! This was just way too good of a blog story to be true! What are the chances of that ever happening? Quite high chances apparently! It was so ironic because Hannah and I joked previously about seeing the same people again and laughed it off because the changes were just so slim. This night was going to be interesting!

Roy saw Hannah and straight away it was awkward! Much to my entertainment! We then moved from the bar to our seats and Hannah was getting weird glances and stares from the girl that Roy came in with. This girl was obviously hating and Roy was obviously bitching. Hannah then noticed another guy that was at the previous speed dating who ticked me. This made me cringe a little bit because I will then have to face this fool again! Just a little background info on Hannah, she is so blind! This guy was on the otherside of a partician so I have no idea how she recognised him! She said she recognised his egg shape head.

The speed dating commenced and Roy got round to me first, he made all these snide comments about Hannah being my side-kick and how he’s going to take a 3 minute break next when he has to talk to Hannah. What a sarkey needy little bitch… and this guy wonders why the fuck he has never been laid and puts it down to himself being a serious christian, lies! This bitch should then be going to the many christian speed dating events, not the ones for professionals if thats how he feels!

See I don't lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

See I don’t lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

He should have felt lucky because my girl Hannah is way out of his league and he needs to go and grow a set! Maybe if he did he wouldn’t be friend zoned all the time! I cannot stand men like Roy, man the fuck up and be cool about it, it’s not like she owed you anything! Where are all these men with vaginas coming from!?

Anyway the massive vagina moved on to my friend Mia and then I had to talk to the the guy who ticket me last time… he mentioned that he remembered me and I handled this situation by denying that I remembered him, which he probably knew was an outright lie because there were 10 guys to remember and he was the only black one! I just stuck out the 3 mins and he moved on.

4 guys turned up late and I got a chance to speak to 2 of them, Mark and Ian. Mark was nice, was very interested in my job and Ian was a drunk fool. After the event Ian decided to come and talk to us and this drunkard was flinging his arms about so much he spilt all my wine on my trousers… didn’t say sorry, didn’t offer to buy me a new one, he just sat there looking shocked. Hannah had to help me dry my trousers under the dryer in the toilets while I stood half naked in a cubical. What a dick head…

Anyway, at this point I was so ready to go! I put on coat and was on my way out till I saw Mia and Hannah sitting down with Mark, his friend Sergi and Warren. Warren was the cutest guy in there (which wasn’t hard) and he was already holding hands with some girl he just met that evening… he was obviously there to tap it and leave it and it didn’t matter who it was! The Ian came and sat with us… I made a comment to Sergi ‘How do you work with this guy!?’ and everyone when silent… I was like… lighten the fuck up guys it was a joke!!!!! It was at this point I realised these guys took themselves way to seriously and I can’t handle people who can’t handle a light hearted joke, I mean, come back at me with ‘Ahh he’s not so bad are you Ian?’ After this I was REALLY ready to go…

The next day both Hannah and I got ticks from Mark and Sergi… we did think about manipulating that situation but I had no intentions of adding 2 more people to my list, way too much effort!

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

Speed Dating Part 1: Always speed date in a well lit room.

It was coming up to a year of being single and I realised that I needed to get out more and meet people. At the time my confidence was pretty shattered so I was not really in a place to be bounding over to potentials in a bar and making light but funny and interesting conversation; people at work were talking about speed dating and how they wished they had done it so I decided that I may just give it a go. I sent my friend Mia a message asking her if she would be up for it because she had been single for sometime too, she said yes so I booked the event.

The day came and I made the biggest effort with all this hair spray and make-up (as I said before make-up is a massive deal to me!). My colleagues were so excited that they decided to do a quick run through of what I should and shouldn’t say. One suggested that I should ask all of them if they were filthy… I decided not to take their advice.

I arrived at the bar with Mia and we signed in, got a drink and sat down at our designated tables and waited for the event to start. It was all really overwhelming at the time because you had to write down names and thoughts and comments so you could remember the person and give them a yes, no or maybe. It was also extremely dark in there and loud so I had to lean in quite a lot to hear what people were saying. A few of the guys were normal, some were super nerdy, some were interesting, some were total weirdos, some were drunk and most of them were accountants… I am yet to meet a super interesting accountant… just saying. Don’t get me wrong the best thing about speed dating is that you are talking to people you would never normally talk to and your immediate thoughts on their looks can completely change when they talk to you.

Anyway, one guy sat down in front of me and looked like he was going to cry and be sick, I asked him if he was okay and he told me he is recovering from the flu… nice… Another told me that he worked as someone who decided if criminals were fit to go back on the street, I thought that this guy was way to mental to be deciding things like that… maybe he’s the reason why crime in London seems to be getting worse! I found myself looking to my right constantly to see who was next… I sighed almost all 24 times… As shallow as it sounded ‘where were all the hot people!?’ In a awesome bar somewhere amazing probably and here I was talking to a bunch of boring crazy arse fuckers with my hair a stiff as a board! A couple of the guys were kinda cute so I gave them a tick and thought I would try my luck.

After the event I went online and entered my ticks… I only got one which was a little disappointing for me at the time (now I am like fuck you guys I am amazing! haha). The guy I got a mutual tick from was a postman called Peter, it was so dark in there that I couldn’t really remember if he was my type or not but he looked cute from the picture he displayed so I decided to give him a chance. Biggest mistake of my life… that badly lit room screwed me the hell over. He was skinny which I find so unattractive to the point where it makes me feel sick and he needed some dental work. Not to mention he was boring as hell… I went on 2 dates with this guy because apparently something inside me wanted me to suffer a slow, painful and silent death as conversation with him was so difficult… He was a postman for goodness sake! What did I have in common with him!? I work in the creative industry!?

On both dates this guy always wanted to drag the date out. WHY!? He could not see that we were just no where near compatible as maybe he would have hoped because I just wanted to pay my half of the bill and piss off. I blame the badly lit room for my poor judgement! When I decided to go on PlentyOfFish a few months later who viewed my profile… yep… the postman. After the 2nd date I decided to take a 5 month break from dating until July where I went speed dating again with my friend Hannah. (To be continued…)

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman