Polycystic Ovaries = Less of a Woman (Apparently)

I have known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to naturally conceive. I’d have to consume strong steroids amongst other undesirable methods to be able to trick my body into ovulating. While I believe that science has brought us a long way, nature also dictates; and nature has dictated to me that I should not be having children. While I do not judge women who do, do this I personally do not want to do this to my body.

Because of my ovaries I have had a number of issues stemming from this, typically with Polycystic ovaries (PCOS)…

  • I am hairier than the average girl
  • I am hypoglycaemic
  • I have alopecia
PCOS Awareness Infographic

PCOS Awareness Infographic (PRNewsFoto/PCOS Challenge, Inc.)

Outside of this…

  • I am lactose intolerant

While some hereditary and some not I have no desperate need to want to pass such ailments on to my kids!

I have slowly found out all of the above at different times in my life which has enabled me to cope with all of them at separate times. And I am okay with them. I have dealt with them in different ways and while I have painted myself as this bloated, diabetic, patchy chimp I have had no issues pulling, but I digress.

I was faced today with someone who told me that this infertility issue was a deal breaker, and it made me really upset! Then angry. I knew full well that this would be the case with a lot of men but I actually thought about this and put it in context. While the guy I that said it to me is a love interest and I absolutely adore, I couldn’t help but get annoyed. It’s not his fault, we are hard wired as humans to want to do repopulate the earth. But I felt less of a woman for a split second because I wasn’t able to do one of the most primitive of things, reproduce.

But I have so much more to offer that was completely overlooked by him, I have been told I am generous, funny, helpful and caring and that I do my best to make things special for people. I graft real hard for the people I care about and I will not be reduced down by a maneven my female gynaecologist, to the ability of my ovaries. I did not choose this life, even if I had an option it wouldn’t be to pop out 15 kids. This is what was given and I am dealing with it in the ways that I am able to. When I am in a financially better position I will 100% adopt a child who deserves a good loving home and you can place bets on that. But I am naturally restricted to having my own; so that makes me less of a desirable candidate than someone who can? Nah.

My “broken” ovaries make me who I am; ailments and all. My physical imperfections, my wretched anxiety and my inability to digest lactose make me special, make me different from the next woman so I do not need your…

“Oh that must suck!”

or your

“Is that okay with you though?”

or your

“Really? Does that not bother you?”

What? That I cannot create a baby? Because that is my sole purpose?
Would that make me more normal? More of a stronger structure in society?

My ovaries are a part of me but do not define my sheer existence in regards to my contribution to the world as we know it. There is more to me than that; there is more to YOU than that.

I am me and I am beautiful, inside and out.



Emotional Abuse – The Aftermath

“Please understand the following. I know you by now, VERY well I believe. You have a tender generous heart combines with a sharp intelligence, only a stupid person would not appreciate this. He is with someone but believe me he will never be with someone like you. Every person that knows you has the benefit. Your friendship will modify their life for good, because that is the power of your unique personality. He doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts”

– A good friend (EP)

I cried after reading that.

EP is a more recent friend and colleague. Our anxiety with relationships and the stress of our jobs brought us closer together. And although this isn’t necessarily a great circumstance, I am glad because I have so much time, love and respect for him. I will always have a soft spot for him.

The emotional abuse I suffered over a year ago now still haunts me to this day.

It has manifested into something beyond just pain. The anxiety has almost consumed my dating life to the point where I longer wanted to pursue it, and tell myself I am better being alone than having to deal with a situation I cannot yet handle. But if I do not put myself out there and deal with it I cannot get over it, so what do I do?

At the end of January 2016 I had a massive freak out with a guy I worked with because he claimed he was too busy to see me for a whole month. Even for a drink after work. I freaked out because he was showing the same characteristics as Carl, the Irish Guard, and I wasn’t interested in being in that place again. So I decided to take a break from dating.

In February Carl got in contact and I broke down. I realised I wasn’t actually over it. After telling him where to go I opted into counselling, but with the current state of the NHS I only got my appointment at the end of April. Between that time I was happy not having to live up to anyones expectations, not having to win anyones affection, just being me. Just being with my friends and family and enjoying what I wanted to do; enjoying the new motorbike I bought myself. Enjoying the company of people who cared about me; until my councillor decided that maybe I should get myself back out there to conquer my fear of being treated like an inferior. And I done it the only way I knew how. Online.

In a more recent month-long affair I had, it was somewhat refreshing. It was nice to be respected, to know where I stood. Until one day he began to treat me exactly like Carl did when I began to show some real interest. In order to defend myself I automatically began to take procedures to shut it down. I refuse to be treated like I am inferior and that I do not deserve the most basic respect of telling me what is really going on; just to ignore me after asking me what I am doing on the weekend.
It’s weak.
It’s not cool.
It’s not masculine.
It’s disrespectful.

My natural reaction was to get anxious. I was anxious for a day and then I thought… Why am I getting anxious? Why am I wasting my thoughts and happiness on someone who hasn’t got the back bone to tell me what his issue is? But what am I going to do differently next time? How can I prevent something I have no control over? This is my issue. This is what prevents my anxiety but also causes it.


If I can control a situation then I can prevent the pain, or cushion the blow. But how do you do that in a relationship? You can’t…


Then he responded.

“So obviously I went out and got drunk last night because of the meeting I had, you’re probably not going to like this, because you must know how much I have come to like you in such a short space of time. I reckon there is not a chance of you waiting for me as it looks like I am getting deployed on the 22nd of this month. I mean, I would like you to wait for me but the ball is pretty much in your court.”

2 days of nothing.
Then that.

He was out on the piss because he is now going on tour for 6 months to Afghanistan. While this is something that of course warrants a big piss up RAF style, I still feel like 2 days of no contact whatsoever was still not fair on me. He knows this behaviour makes me anxious but how much am I supposed to be okay with? I don’t know. That’s a big deal right? He want’s a relationship with me but then doesn’t tell me until 2 days after finding out that he is going? Then asks me to wait for him. Is that fair? My sister says that I have to release some control and learn to be okay with it but do I really? I don’t know if he would think it’s okay if I done that. Probably not. So why do it to me?

I said to him I thought he had lost interest because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He asked why? I said because usually when a guy treats me like it’s because he want’s to get rid of me. Then he said he doesn’t know why I would think that. It’s because he doesn’t understand and probably never will.

So he is going away, I like him but I am not in a relationship with him, what to do…?
I mean, I am 25 going on mid-life crisis with this motorbike but it makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
My family makes me happy.
I was happy before he made me just a little more happy.

But our last meal together for the year is on Friday.

We will see.

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

10 Typical Male Online Dating Profiles

I don’t have any idea what a typical female profile looks like but I have a pretty good idea of what mens profiles look like and frankly, I am getting bored of it. Let me go really typical and see if I can briefly reconstruct 10 typical male profiles.

Profile 1: The lad


Danny Dyer, typical lad!

I like to go out and have fun with my mates, always out on the weekend getting pissed and I am looking for a beautiful, fun and bubbly girl who is always up for a laugh. I also don’t mind having a cuddle on in front of the telly and a nice take away with the misses.

Profile 2: The bear wrestling adventurist


I love traveling and seeing new things. I love to explore, hike, camp, fish, and just nonchalantly walk the great walk of China and wrestle wild animals in Kenya. I’m pretty much Bear Grylls!

Profile 3: The meat head


Gym, girls, clubs, sex. That is all because all of that makes me totally irresistible. I am not oozing sexually transmitted infections at all!

Profile 4: The submissive


I believe in female domination. I enjoy objectification, bondage and generally being a slave. I am willing to be at your beck and call all hours of the day to rub your feet, clean and cook for you. I do not ask for anything in return other than to be your slave.

Profile 5: The lazy bastard


Hey I don’t really know what to put here so just ask because I am lazy and wonder why people don’t bother to reply to me.

Profile 6: The arsehole


Okay so Ian Somerhalder is just yummy but he plays a good arsehole. Either way for me, nice guy or not he’d still get it!

No I don’t care about your feelings, I don’t care about your ex, I don’t want to beat your ex up for you, no I don’t want to have babies, I don’t want a baby mother. If you have shagged more than 5 guys you are a slag and I am not interested. I might reply to your message I might not, if not don’t be offended you are probably just ugly. Most of the girls on here are slags anyway. I have female issues probably due to the tons of rejection I have received in the past.

Profile 7: The sports mad


I love to cycle everyday, play football on the weekends and 5 a side on wednesdays. I run at least 4 times a week and I would love to find a girl that will enjoy all of this with me because I have quite honestly lost my mind.

Profile 8: The Loser Nerd


I love video games and comic con, I am currently playing world of warcraft and I am not sure what sunlight looks like. I am not Big Bang Theory nerd where I have intelligence on my side, just a gamer nerd that is too addicted to find a decent job.

Profile 9: The hard worker


I love my job, I have a billion rolexes, own a suede finished Bentley and drive around like a boss. I work really hard but I play harder because that’s not cheesy and cliché at all.

Profile 10: The Socially Awkward


I’m really nervous, shy and socially awkward in person but then once you get to know me and I am comfortable with you then I am actually quite a bubbly person, take pity on me I am really adorable.

I missed out the musician but then I don’t come across many of those guys. I only really have problems with 3, 5, 6 and 8 for fairly obvious reasons. 


Women Are Just as Bad as Men!

I recently found a blog that caught my interest. It is no longer being updated which is a shame because I would still love to read what he had to say. I came across it by searching one of the search terms put into google that lead that viewer to my blog; “My ex wife is a slag on POF UK” weird… anyway, I came across it within that search. The summary that was given on google intrigued me so I decided to have a look. The guy writing this was talking about his bad experiences on POF in particular and the way women treat men. Ashamed to say I agree with him to some degree! Only some…about 20% I can’t even lie that I behave like the women he has come across.

He categorises all the women on the site in a bad way to conclude that women are just as bad, if not worse than men. I think he is particularly bitter because of his bad experience. From what he says I can tell that he is not the best looking man, he hasn’t got tattoos and rides a motorbike (apparently that’s what western women are looking for, I assume he is talking about American women as I don’t think this is a British person.) I like tattoos but a motorbike is neither here nor there for me.

There is one entry where he writes about a colleague of his who complains about men “making moves on her when she barely knew them and it made her sick. She proclaimed she was looking for a nice guy.” Okay, well fair enough… But then his story progresses, she then complains about the nice guy that she met and that he isn’t making any moves on her, she’s finding it weird and he hasn’t got any tattoos to show that he is tough and can protect her in a fight. (long story, short). I know this to be a desired trait amongst my female friends, the feeling of safety and protection from their man, which I would assume (I know it’s never good to assume but I have no time for research right now) stems from a primitive time. We see such behaviour in animals where the male who wins the battle gets the female. Yes I understand we are more evolved than that but as advanced as we are we still have some kind of primitive influence, we are still animals. Agree or disagree?

As for this girl to throw away a good man then is this right? Just because she is not getting the treatment that she is used to she is complaining, but the treatment that she is used to makes her sick? What does she want? Now of course this is here-say and probably somewhat bias as this is coming from a man’s blog, but let’s say that every part of his story is truth. What does this girl want? What exactly is she looking for? An in between would be ideal I guess! Apparently a few months later she was still on POF looking for that, what I am guessing, in-between. Now, I am a strong believer in not settling if you don’t feel like that person is right for you but do we risk being alone, waiting for this fairy tale Prince who slays drunk guys hitting on you inappropriately; you in one hand and a sword in the other? Whilst being the social drinker who is bubbly and outgoing, gets on with everyone and treat you like a princess? Waiting on you hand and foot but being a real man in bed? Being forever faithful and honest so much so that he wouldn’t even dare look at another woman in a sexual way? But how many men are all of the above? (not that I am looking for the above, just trying to paint a picture of perfection, of course everyone has their preferences). How many women are that perfect too? How many of us wait on out husband hand and foot whist building a career and looking after kids like the modern wife supposedly is expected to do? How many women maintain a sexually appealing dress sense all the time and are good at sex? How many women don’t nag and iron all her men’s shirts showing complete selflessness? (Okay that’s just a typical general view of what men may want, I’m going extremely typical here! I don’t know what men want really hence the name of my blog!) My point is, nobody is perfect.

In another entry he talks about women who take pride in rejecting or ignoring men; women who love the attention to make their egos grow. I have to admit, I like the attention and attraction does factor into a lot of my choices. In a social open environment would you go up to the person you found the least attractive and strike up a conversation in the hope that he/she is a “nice guy/girl” and he/she could be the one? Usually I find people end up with people that they are not initially attracted to because they have known them prior to that as friends or the conversation started off as friendly with friendship intentions and progressed into attraction. I will find it extremely hard to believe that anyone will go up to what you believed to be the least attractive person in the room with sexual intentions or with intentions to get into a relationship, unless of course you were being a horrible person and doing it for a joke.

The truth I believe is online dating has given us all opportunity to be arseholes. To be picky, to abuse and deceive people by posting pictures that are not true reflections of ourselves and take the piss out of people by laughing at some of their profiles or messages. To speak to people only in the hope to hook up. I will openly admit that I do all of the above from time to time, a part from the pictures because I try to put ones up that look like me. Maybe there was a time in the beginning where this was all much more genuine but you give people this kind of platform people will use it in any way they want.

I’ve been ignored by men before but shit happens and you move on! Why dwell on the fact that that person doesn’t regard you worthy of their time? Who cares about them? A for all you know this could a virtual person “catfish”? What matters is that YOU believe that YOU are a great person worthy of a great partner. I believe the trick to finding that person is believing that you are worthy! On and offline, being careful to not become to egotistical. Don’t start you messages with, “you are way out of my league” NO! You send that message like a boss! If they aren’t interested, you send another message to someone else like a boss! Online dating is hard to say the least, the people on it can be shallow and treat others like commodities (Tinder is a perfect example of this). Unfortunately this is something that has to be dealt with when entering the world of online dating. We, men and women, can be just as bad as each other.

To POFsucks1, online dating is what it is, let the shallow, indecisive women forever eternally search for their non-existent perfect man, that’s their choice. You expressed your distaste and dissatisfaction for the whole things so you done the right thing by getting out of it! Unfortunately, I don’t agree with the biased way you monitored your blog, full of insecure men always thinking that the women they meet are too good to be true and digging to find something wrong with them so that they can prove a point! Only featuring women that agree with you to feed your belief that all women online are all the same gold digging, egotistical, self-centred, shallow women. Such a desirable trait of control you show by filtering your blog in such a way that it suppresses women’s differing opinion; only to feature disgruntled single men who think they are clearly some kind of gift to the world and women online and we should all be grateful for all you “nice” guys that hide behind a computer and judge us on your blog! ALL women online must be like this because YOU say so! You, my dear, are an old, bitter arsehole who is upset that his first attempts for a new relationship after this FAILED marriage, below and behold, failed. 4 months after your marriage you were on POF? How about you concentrate on figuring out who you are without your wife rather than trying to suppress your hurt feelings by masking them with the presence of someone else to comfort you? THEN maybe you should look into a new relationship. Good luck, I hope you find your perfect woman to suppress! Arsehole!



Speed Dating Part 2: What are the chances?

After I told my friend Hannah about the speed dating I went on with Mia she wanted to go too so I arranged another day to go. This time there were only 10 men, which was massively disappointing, but I was at a point where I was comfortable enough in myself to not care so much about what the outcome of this speed dating would be.

Long story short, I saw a guy there that was at the 1st round of speed dating and he and 6 other guys ticked Hannah and 6 guys ticked me. One of those guys called me intimidating because I was dressed professionally. This made met think that if he feels that way he can fuck off with his tick. I was not impressed with any of them and nor was Hannah so we decided to get a free event because that’s what http://www.speeddater.co.uk guarantees if you do not meet anyone. Hannah lied on the site but did in fact meet Harry and another guy called Roy. She went on a few dates with both and decided eventually to tell them she was no longer interested so that was that… or so we thought.

We booked our free event and Mia came with us on this occasion too. All 3 of us are at the bar and Hannah all of a sudden becomes hysterical! She then runs behind me and says that she saw Roy walk into the bar and she can’t let him see her because she blew him off just last week! This was just way too good of a blog story to be true! What are the chances of that ever happening? Quite high chances apparently! It was so ironic because Hannah and I joked previously about seeing the same people again and laughed it off because the changes were just so slim. This night was going to be interesting!

Roy saw Hannah and straight away it was awkward! Much to my entertainment! We then moved from the bar to our seats and Hannah was getting weird glances and stares from the girl that Roy came in with. This girl was obviously hating and Roy was obviously bitching. Hannah then noticed another guy that was at the previous speed dating who ticked me. This made me cringe a little bit because I will then have to face this fool again! Just a little background info on Hannah, she is so blind! This guy was on the otherside of a partician so I have no idea how she recognised him! She said she recognised his egg shape head.

The speed dating commenced and Roy got round to me first, he made all these snide comments about Hannah being my side-kick and how he’s going to take a 3 minute break next when he has to talk to Hannah. What a sarkey needy little bitch… and this guy wonders why the fuck he has never been laid and puts it down to himself being a serious christian, lies! This bitch should then be going to the many christian speed dating events, not the ones for professionals if thats how he feels!

See I don't lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

See I don’t lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

He should have felt lucky because my girl Hannah is way out of his league and he needs to go and grow a set! Maybe if he did he wouldn’t be friend zoned all the time! I cannot stand men like Roy, man the fuck up and be cool about it, it’s not like she owed you anything! Where are all these men with vaginas coming from!?

Anyway the massive vagina moved on to my friend Mia and then I had to talk to the the guy who ticket me last time… he mentioned that he remembered me and I handled this situation by denying that I remembered him, which he probably knew was an outright lie because there were 10 guys to remember and he was the only black one! I just stuck out the 3 mins and he moved on.

4 guys turned up late and I got a chance to speak to 2 of them, Mark and Ian. Mark was nice, was very interested in my job and Ian was a drunk fool. After the event Ian decided to come and talk to us and this drunkard was flinging his arms about so much he spilt all my wine on my trousers… didn’t say sorry, didn’t offer to buy me a new one, he just sat there looking shocked. Hannah had to help me dry my trousers under the dryer in the toilets while I stood half naked in a cubical. What a dick head…

Anyway, at this point I was so ready to go! I put on coat and was on my way out till I saw Mia and Hannah sitting down with Mark, his friend Sergi and Warren. Warren was the cutest guy in there (which wasn’t hard) and he was already holding hands with some girl he just met that evening… he was obviously there to tap it and leave it and it didn’t matter who it was! The Ian came and sat with us… I made a comment to Sergi ‘How do you work with this guy!?’ and everyone when silent… I was like… lighten the fuck up guys it was a joke!!!!! It was at this point I realised these guys took themselves way to seriously and I can’t handle people who can’t handle a light hearted joke, I mean, come back at me with ‘Ahh he’s not so bad are you Ian?’ After this I was REALLY ready to go…

The next day both Hannah and I got ticks from Mark and Sergi… we did think about manipulating that situation but I had no intentions of adding 2 more people to my list, way too much effort!


Speed Dating Part 1: Always speed date in a well lit room.

It was coming up to a year of being single and I realised that I needed to get out more and meet people. At the time my confidence was pretty shattered so I was not really in a place to be bounding over to potentials in a bar and making light but funny and interesting conversation; people at work were talking about speed dating and how they wished they had done it so I decided that I may just give it a go. I sent my friend Mia a message asking her if she would be up for it because she had been single for sometime too, she said yes so I booked the event.

The day came and I made the biggest effort with all this hair spray and make-up (as I said before make-up is a massive deal to me!). My colleagues were so excited that they decided to do a quick run through of what I should and shouldn’t say. One suggested that I should ask all of them if they were filthy… I decided not to take their advice.

I arrived at the bar with Mia and we signed in, got a drink and sat down at our designated tables and waited for the event to start. It was all really overwhelming at the time because you had to write down names and thoughts and comments so you could remember the person and give them a yes, no or maybe. It was also extremely dark in there and loud so I had to lean in quite a lot to hear what people were saying. A few of the guys were normal, some were super nerdy, some were interesting, some were total weirdos, some were drunk and most of them were accountants… I am yet to meet a super interesting accountant… just saying. Don’t get me wrong the best thing about speed dating is that you are talking to people you would never normally talk to and your immediate thoughts on their looks can completely change when they talk to you.

Anyway, one guy sat down in front of me and looked like he was going to cry and be sick, I asked him if he was okay and he told me he is recovering from the flu… nice… Another told me that he worked as someone who decided if criminals were fit to go back on the street, I thought that this guy was way to mental to be deciding things like that… maybe he’s the reason why crime in London seems to be getting worse! I found myself looking to my right constantly to see who was next… I sighed almost all 24 times… As shallow as it sounded ‘where were all the hot people!?’ In a awesome bar somewhere amazing probably and here I was talking to a bunch of boring crazy arse fuckers with my hair a stiff as a board! A couple of the guys were kinda cute so I gave them a tick and thought I would try my luck.

After the event I went online and entered my ticks… I only got one which was a little disappointing for me at the time (now I am like fuck you guys I am amazing! haha). The guy I got a mutual tick from was a postman called Peter, it was so dark in there that I couldn’t really remember if he was my type or not but he looked cute from the picture he displayed so I decided to give him a chance. Biggest mistake of my life… that badly lit room screwed me the hell over. He was skinny which I find so unattractive to the point where it makes me feel sick and he needed some dental work. Not to mention he was boring as hell… I went on 2 dates with this guy because apparently something inside me wanted me to suffer a slow, painful and silent death as conversation with him was so difficult… He was a postman for goodness sake! What did I have in common with him!? I work in the creative industry!?

On both dates this guy always wanted to drag the date out. WHY!? He could not see that we were just no where near compatible as maybe he would have hoped because I just wanted to pay my half of the bill and piss off. I blame the badly lit room for my poor judgement! When I decided to go on PlentyOfFish a few months later who viewed my profile… yep… the postman. After the 2nd date I decided to take a 5 month break from dating until July where I went speed dating again with my friend Hannah. (To be continued…)