Emotional Abuse – The Aftermath

“Please understand the following. I know you by now, VERY well I believe. You have a tender generous heart combines with a sharp intelligence, only a stupid person would not appreciate this. He is with someone but believe me he will never be with someone like you. Every person that knows you has the benefit. Your friendship will modify their life for good, because that is the power of your unique personality. He doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts”

– A good friend (EP)

I cried after reading that.

EP is a more recent friend and colleague. Our anxiety with relationships and the stress of our jobs brought us closer together. And although this isn’t necessarily a great circumstance, I am glad because I have so much time, love and respect for him. I will always have a soft spot for him.

The emotional abuse I suffered over a year ago now still haunts me to this day.

It has manifested into something beyond just pain. The anxiety has almost consumed my dating life to the point where I longer wanted to pursue it, and tell myself I am better being alone than having to deal with a situation I cannot yet handle. But if I do not put myself out there and deal with it I cannot get over it, so what do I do?

At the end of January 2016 I had a massive freak out with a guy I worked with because he claimed he was too busy to see me for a whole month. Even for a drink after work. I freaked out because he was showing the same characteristics as Carl, the Irish Guard, and I wasn’t interested in being in that place again. So I decided to take a break from dating.

In February Carl got in contact and I broke down. I realised I wasn’t actually over it. After telling him where to go I opted into counselling, but with the current state of the NHS I only got my appointment at the end of April. Between that time I was happy not having to live up to anyones expectations, not having to win anyones affection, just being me. Just being with my friends and family and enjoying what I wanted to do; enjoying the new motorbike I bought myself. Enjoying the company of people who cared about me; until my councillor decided that maybe I should get myself back out there to conquer my fear of being treated like an inferior. And I done it the only way I knew how. Online.

In a more recent month-long affair I had, it was somewhat refreshing. It was nice to be respected, to know where I stood. Until one day he began to treat me exactly like Carl did when I began to show some real interest. In order to defend myself I automatically began to take procedures to shut it down. I refuse to be treated like I am inferior and that I do not deserve the most basic respect of telling me what is really going on; just to ignore me after asking me what I am doing on the weekend.
It’s weak.
It’s not cool.
It’s not masculine.
It’s disrespectful.

My natural reaction was to get anxious. I was anxious for a day and then I thought… Why am I getting anxious? Why am I wasting my thoughts and happiness on someone who hasn’t got the back bone to tell me what his issue is? But what am I going to do differently next time? How can I prevent something I have no control over? This is my issue. This is what prevents my anxiety but also causes it.

Control

If I can control a situation then I can prevent the pain, or cushion the blow. But how do you do that in a relationship? You can’t…

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Then he responded.

“So obviously I went out and got drunk last night because of the meeting I had, you’re probably not going to like this, because you must know how much I have come to like you in such a short space of time. I reckon there is not a chance of you waiting for me as it looks like I am getting deployed on the 22nd of this month. I mean, I would like you to wait for me but the ball is pretty much in your court.”

2 days of nothing.
Then that.

He was out on the piss because he is now going on tour for 6 months to Afghanistan. While this is something that of course warrants a big piss up RAF style, I still feel like 2 days of no contact whatsoever was still not fair on me. He knows this behaviour makes me anxious but how much am I supposed to be okay with? I don’t know. That’s a big deal right? He want’s a relationship with me but then doesn’t tell me until 2 days after finding out that he is going? Then asks me to wait for him. Is that fair? My sister says that I have to release some control and learn to be okay with it but do I really? I don’t know if he would think it’s okay if I done that. Probably not. So why do it to me?

I said to him I thought he had lost interest because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He asked why? I said because usually when a guy treats me like it’s because he want’s to get rid of me. Then he said he doesn’t know why I would think that. It’s because he doesn’t understand and probably never will.

So he is going away, I like him but I am not in a relationship with him, what to do…?
I mean, I am 25 going on mid-life crisis with this motorbike but it makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
My family makes me happy.
I was happy before he made me just a little more happy.

But our last meal together for the year is on Friday.

We will see.

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

Mistresses, Slaves and Submissives

…Apparently slaves and submissives are 2 different things! Or so I learnt in my Mistress class for beginners I attended on the Saturday just gone.

I booked this class 2 weeks before hand and once I paid the deposit, I had to go. I have always wanted to explore the fetish scene but never really had the knowledge on where to begin. Funnily enough I found this class through my Twitter account (@confessdating) and I had no idea what I was in for when I booked it!

I did not know there were so many fetishes and so many definitions and types of Mistresses and slaves! Let me breakdown some of what I learnt:

Slaves = These people are there for YOUR pleasure and to do what YOU want, clean, cook etc.

Submissive = They will tell you what THEY want and what THEY enjoy and you just act it out as their Mistress. You are obviously still in control.

Pro Domme = I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly that they do this for a living.

Goddess = Have people lounging around all the time doing what every she wants and they are like puppies.

Findom = A Dom who pretends to be this princess who sits on her satin pillows all day and men send her money and gifts. She has to maintain this persona online all the time. It is not necessary for her to meet them in person or show her flesh.

Mistress = Is as the word means, bit on the side! Not always though! Doesn’t have to be about sex and you can get paid if you want to!

That was just a snippet of what I learnt. People often have this perception of a Pro – Domme or a Mistress as a this tough woman who whips men. No! Not at all! I was so relieved to hear that you do not have to be that way to be a Mistress because I much prefer to give pleasure than pain! I believe the pain part compliments the pleasure in that the pleasure is heightened in a way. I would just like to be in control of that pleasure, and thats the kind of Mistress I would be should I decide I want to be one! The Mistress that was taking the class also mentioned that there are certain things she does not do, and as a Mistress you don’t have to do everything! A common misconception! I don’t think I could put needles in someone for example but there’s other stuff I would do. She also mentioned that she only “plays” with guys that she fancies otherwise she sees no point! They give her something like fixing up her house, and they get what they want which isn’t always sex, sounds like a pretty amazing deal to me!

Then came the rope bondage….

I, fucking, loved it! I need to go to another class that specifically teaches rope bondage! There was something about the restriction of the chest harness and the control of my pleasure being in someone else’s hands that was great! There was no nudity or anything; that would have been a fetish party!

I am not sure how far I will delve into this fetish scene… maybe not so much that my blog has to change to Confessions of the Mistress! But maybe enough to give those of you who know little to nothing about the scene some insight.

I will keep you posted!

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman