10 Typical Male Online Dating Profiles

I don’t have any idea what a typical female profile looks like but I have a pretty good idea of what mens profiles look like and frankly, I am getting bored of it. Let me go really typical and see if I can briefly reconstruct 10 typical male profiles.

Profile 1: The lad


Danny Dyer, typical lad!

I like to go out and have fun with my mates, always out on the weekend getting pissed and I am looking for a beautiful, fun and bubbly girl who is always up for a laugh. I also don’t mind having a cuddle on in front of the telly and a nice take away with the misses.

Profile 2: The bear wrestling adventurist


I love traveling and seeing new things. I love to explore, hike, camp, fish, and just nonchalantly walk the great walk of China and wrestle wild animals in Kenya. I’m pretty much Bear Grylls!

Profile 3: The meat head


Gym, girls, clubs, sex. That is all because all of that makes me totally irresistible. I am not oozing sexually transmitted infections at all!

Profile 4: The submissive


I believe in female domination. I enjoy objectification, bondage and generally being a slave. I am willing to be at your beck and call all hours of the day to rub your feet, clean and cook for you. I do not ask for anything in return other than to be your slave.

Profile 5: The lazy bastard


Hey I don’t really know what to put here so just ask because I am lazy and wonder why people don’t bother to reply to me.

Profile 6: The arsehole


Okay so Ian Somerhalder is just yummy but he plays a good arsehole. Either way for me, nice guy or not he’d still get it!

No I don’t care about your feelings, I don’t care about your ex, I don’t want to beat your ex up for you, no I don’t want to have babies, I don’t want a baby mother. If you have shagged more than 5 guys you are a slag and I am not interested. I might reply to your message I might not, if not don’t be offended you are probably just ugly. Most of the girls on here are slags anyway. I have female issues probably due to the tons of rejection I have received in the past.

Profile 7: The sports mad


I love to cycle everyday, play football on the weekends and 5 a side on wednesdays. I run at least 4 times a week and I would love to find a girl that will enjoy all of this with me because I have quite honestly lost my mind.

Profile 8: The Loser Nerd


I love video games and comic con, I am currently playing world of warcraft and I am not sure what sunlight looks like. I am not Big Bang Theory nerd where I have intelligence on my side, just a gamer nerd that is too addicted to find a decent job.

Profile 9: The hard worker


I love my job, I have a billion rolexes, own a suede finished Bentley and drive around like a boss. I work really hard but I play harder because that’s not cheesy and cliché at all.

Profile 10: The Socially Awkward


I’m really nervous, shy and socially awkward in person but then once you get to know me and I am comfortable with you then I am actually quite a bubbly person, take pity on me I am really adorable.

I missed out the musician but then I don’t come across many of those guys. I only really have problems with 3, 5, 6 and 8 for fairly obvious reasons. 



Speed Dating Part 2: What are the chances?

After I told my friend Hannah about the speed dating I went on with Mia she wanted to go too so I arranged another day to go. This time there were only 10 men, which was massively disappointing, but I was at a point where I was comfortable enough in myself to not care so much about what the outcome of this speed dating would be.

Long story short, I saw a guy there that was at the 1st round of speed dating and he and 6 other guys ticked Hannah and 6 guys ticked me. One of those guys called me intimidating because I was dressed professionally. This made met think that if he feels that way he can fuck off with his tick. I was not impressed with any of them and nor was Hannah so we decided to get a free event because that’s what http://www.speeddater.co.uk guarantees if you do not meet anyone. Hannah lied on the site but did in fact meet Harry and another guy called Roy. She went on a few dates with both and decided eventually to tell them she was no longer interested so that was that… or so we thought.

We booked our free event and Mia came with us on this occasion too. All 3 of us are at the bar and Hannah all of a sudden becomes hysterical! She then runs behind me and says that she saw Roy walk into the bar and she can’t let him see her because she blew him off just last week! This was just way too good of a blog story to be true! What are the chances of that ever happening? Quite high chances apparently! It was so ironic because Hannah and I joked previously about seeing the same people again and laughed it off because the changes were just so slim. This night was going to be interesting!

Roy saw Hannah and straight away it was awkward! Much to my entertainment! We then moved from the bar to our seats and Hannah was getting weird glances and stares from the girl that Roy came in with. This girl was obviously hating and Roy was obviously bitching. Hannah then noticed another guy that was at the previous speed dating who ticked me. This made me cringe a little bit because I will then have to face this fool again! Just a little background info on Hannah, she is so blind! This guy was on the otherside of a partician so I have no idea how she recognised him! She said she recognised his egg shape head.

The speed dating commenced and Roy got round to me first, he made all these snide comments about Hannah being my side-kick and how he’s going to take a 3 minute break next when he has to talk to Hannah. What a sarkey needy little bitch… and this guy wonders why the fuck he has never been laid and puts it down to himself being a serious christian, lies! This bitch should then be going to the many christian speed dating events, not the ones for professionals if thats how he feels!

See I don't lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

See I don’t lie! So he is just a needy little bitch!

He should have felt lucky because my girl Hannah is way out of his league and he needs to go and grow a set! Maybe if he did he wouldn’t be friend zoned all the time! I cannot stand men like Roy, man the fuck up and be cool about it, it’s not like she owed you anything! Where are all these men with vaginas coming from!?

Anyway the massive vagina moved on to my friend Mia and then I had to talk to the the guy who ticket me last time… he mentioned that he remembered me and I handled this situation by denying that I remembered him, which he probably knew was an outright lie because there were 10 guys to remember and he was the only black one! I just stuck out the 3 mins and he moved on.

4 guys turned up late and I got a chance to speak to 2 of them, Mark and Ian. Mark was nice, was very interested in my job and Ian was a drunk fool. After the event Ian decided to come and talk to us and this drunkard was flinging his arms about so much he spilt all my wine on my trousers… didn’t say sorry, didn’t offer to buy me a new one, he just sat there looking shocked. Hannah had to help me dry my trousers under the dryer in the toilets while I stood half naked in a cubical. What a dick head…

Anyway, at this point I was so ready to go! I put on coat and was on my way out till I saw Mia and Hannah sitting down with Mark, his friend Sergi and Warren. Warren was the cutest guy in there (which wasn’t hard) and he was already holding hands with some girl he just met that evening… he was obviously there to tap it and leave it and it didn’t matter who it was! The Ian came and sat with us… I made a comment to Sergi ‘How do you work with this guy!?’ and everyone when silent… I was like… lighten the fuck up guys it was a joke!!!!! It was at this point I realised these guys took themselves way to seriously and I can’t handle people who can’t handle a light hearted joke, I mean, come back at me with ‘Ahh he’s not so bad are you Ian?’ After this I was REALLY ready to go…

The next day both Hannah and I got ticks from Mark and Sergi… we did think about manipulating that situation but I had no intentions of adding 2 more people to my list, way too much effort!