Polycystic Ovaries = Less of a Woman (Apparently)

I have known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to naturally conceive. I’d have to consume strong steroids amongst other undesirable methods to be able to trick my body into ovulating. While I believe that science has brought us a long way, nature also dictates; and nature has dictated to me that I should not be having children. While I do not judge women who do, do this I personally do not want to do this to my body.

Because of my ovaries I have had a number of issues stemming from this, typically with Polycystic ovaries (PCOS)…

  • I am hairier than the average girl
  • I am hypoglycaemic
  • I have alopecia
PCOS Awareness Infographic

PCOS Awareness Infographic (PRNewsFoto/PCOS Challenge, Inc.)

Outside of this…

  • I am lactose intolerant

While some hereditary and some not I have no desperate need to want to pass such ailments on to my kids!

I have slowly found out all of the above at different times in my life which has enabled me to cope with all of them at separate times. And I am okay with them. I have dealt with them in different ways and while I have painted myself as this bloated, diabetic, patchy chimp I have had no issues pulling, but I digress.

I was faced today with someone who told me that this infertility issue was a deal breaker, and it made me really upset! Then angry. I knew full well that this would be the case with a lot of men but I actually thought about this and put it in context. While the guy I that said it to me is a love interest and I absolutely adore, I couldn’t help but get annoyed. It’s not his fault, we are hard wired as humans to want to do repopulate the earth. But I felt less of a woman for a split second because I wasn’t able to do one of the most primitive of things, reproduce.

But I have so much more to offer that was completely overlooked by him, I have been told I am generous, funny, helpful and caring and that I do my best to make things special for people. I graft real hard for the people I care about and I will not be reduced down by a maneven my female gynaecologist, to the ability of my ovaries. I did not choose this life, even if I had an option it wouldn’t be to pop out 15 kids. This is what was given and I am dealing with it in the ways that I am able to. When I am in a financially better position I will 100% adopt a child who deserves a good loving home and you can place bets on that. But I am naturally restricted to having my own; so that makes me less of a desirable candidate than someone who can? Nah.

My “broken” ovaries make me who I am; ailments and all. My physical imperfections, my wretched anxiety and my inability to digest lactose make me special, make me different from the next woman so I do not need your…

“Oh that must suck!”

or your

“Is that okay with you though?”

or your

“Really? Does that not bother you?”

What? That I cannot create a baby? Because that is my sole purpose?
Would that make me more normal? More of a stronger structure in society?

My ovaries are a part of me but do not define my sheer existence in regards to my contribution to the world as we know it. There is more to me than that; there is more to YOU than that.

I am me and I am beautiful, inside and out.

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

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Emotional Abuse – The Aftermath

“Please understand the following. I know you by now, VERY well I believe. You have a tender generous heart combines with a sharp intelligence, only a stupid person would not appreciate this. He is with someone but believe me he will never be with someone like you. Every person that knows you has the benefit. Your friendship will modify their life for good, because that is the power of your unique personality. He doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts”

– A good friend (EP)

I cried after reading that.

EP is a more recent friend and colleague. Our anxiety with relationships and the stress of our jobs brought us closer together. And although this isn’t necessarily a great circumstance, I am glad because I have so much time, love and respect for him. I will always have a soft spot for him.

The emotional abuse I suffered over a year ago now still haunts me to this day.

It has manifested into something beyond just pain. The anxiety has almost consumed my dating life to the point where I longer wanted to pursue it, and tell myself I am better being alone than having to deal with a situation I cannot yet handle. But if I do not put myself out there and deal with it I cannot get over it, so what do I do?

At the end of January 2016 I had a massive freak out with a guy I worked with because he claimed he was too busy to see me for a whole month. Even for a drink after work. I freaked out because he was showing the same characteristics as Carl, the Irish Guard, and I wasn’t interested in being in that place again. So I decided to take a break from dating.

In February Carl got in contact and I broke down. I realised I wasn’t actually over it. After telling him where to go I opted into counselling, but with the current state of the NHS I only got my appointment at the end of April. Between that time I was happy not having to live up to anyones expectations, not having to win anyones affection, just being me. Just being with my friends and family and enjoying what I wanted to do; enjoying the new motorbike I bought myself. Enjoying the company of people who cared about me; until my councillor decided that maybe I should get myself back out there to conquer my fear of being treated like an inferior. And I done it the only way I knew how. Online.

In a more recent month-long affair I had, it was somewhat refreshing. It was nice to be respected, to know where I stood. Until one day he began to treat me exactly like Carl did when I began to show some real interest. In order to defend myself I automatically began to take procedures to shut it down. I refuse to be treated like I am inferior and that I do not deserve the most basic respect of telling me what is really going on; just to ignore me after asking me what I am doing on the weekend.
It’s weak.
It’s not cool.
It’s not masculine.
It’s disrespectful.

My natural reaction was to get anxious. I was anxious for a day and then I thought… Why am I getting anxious? Why am I wasting my thoughts and happiness on someone who hasn’t got the back bone to tell me what his issue is? But what am I going to do differently next time? How can I prevent something I have no control over? This is my issue. This is what prevents my anxiety but also causes it.

Control

If I can control a situation then I can prevent the pain, or cushion the blow. But how do you do that in a relationship? You can’t…

Quotefancy-13815-3840x2160.jpg

Then he responded.

“So obviously I went out and got drunk last night because of the meeting I had, you’re probably not going to like this, because you must know how much I have come to like you in such a short space of time. I reckon there is not a chance of you waiting for me as it looks like I am getting deployed on the 22nd of this month. I mean, I would like you to wait for me but the ball is pretty much in your court.”

2 days of nothing.
Then that.

He was out on the piss because he is now going on tour for 6 months to Afghanistan. While this is something that of course warrants a big piss up RAF style, I still feel like 2 days of no contact whatsoever was still not fair on me. He knows this behaviour makes me anxious but how much am I supposed to be okay with? I don’t know. That’s a big deal right? He want’s a relationship with me but then doesn’t tell me until 2 days after finding out that he is going? Then asks me to wait for him. Is that fair? My sister says that I have to release some control and learn to be okay with it but do I really? I don’t know if he would think it’s okay if I done that. Probably not. So why do it to me?

I said to him I thought he had lost interest because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He asked why? I said because usually when a guy treats me like it’s because he want’s to get rid of me. Then he said he doesn’t know why I would think that. It’s because he doesn’t understand and probably never will.

So he is going away, I like him but I am not in a relationship with him, what to do…?
I mean, I am 25 going on mid-life crisis with this motorbike but it makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
My family makes me happy.
I was happy before he made me just a little more happy.

But our last meal together for the year is on Friday.

We will see.

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

Military Action on My Depression

I met a squaddie in May time and part of me wishes I hadn’t.

You see, squaddies seem to have a reputation in my area for being a complete no go for a relationship. In my situation this would be correct.

Carl would not leave me alone when I was just trying to be drunk and merry with one of my best friends in the tackiest but only club we could afford to go to at the time. He tried his best to get his grubby little mits on me but I refused his advances knowing what his occupation was. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a man in the army, but it’s an insanely difficult relationship with them being away for so long and being faithful is somewhat questionable from both parties, but I digress.

After adding him on snap chat and him putting his number in my phone I ignored him for week until he found me on Plenty of Fish in locals. He said he’s not looking for a relationship (no surprises there) and that someone as beautiful as me shouldn’t have to commit to one guy (because I like to sleep around of course!) I continued to ignore him after that until he asked me if I was out that Friday night. There was no plan to be out that night but I reluctantly ended up going anyway. Who turns up?

Carl.

It was that night he won me over, so sweet, so charming and so so funny with his northern accent. That was it. He had me.

The next night he was in my bed, both drunk out of our faces. Nothing really happened but he had seen me completely naked, that’s about it… maybe throw in a couple of fingers…

We talked everyday since then and I fell for his boyish, laddish charm. But in the space of 2 and a half months he has made me cry more than I have cried in the 6 months prior to him. Although he did say to me that he didn’t want a relationship and he is happy for me to date other men, as soon as I honored his requests to keep myself emotionally detached from him I was the bad person and the slut. He suddenly developed feelings for me and didn’t want to share. He really hurt my feelings that night, I cried uncontrollably and lost a good few hours sleep because I was so anxious and upset, which by the way was something he’s done to me a good few times afterwards.

He would tell me that he wanted me and when I got closer again he would push me away and tell me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Cake and eat it situation. From saying he would want to be my husband one day to going home for a weekend and spending a world of time with his ex-girlfriend. To see him I would reduce myself to the point of offering to come round just so we could have sex and he would say no, then he would text me later on saying he’s imagining us having sex. He played on my feelings knowing how I felt about him, making comments about other girls to get a reaction out of me. Telling me he missed me then wouldn’t make time to see me, and when I got distant with him he would get upset and say he doesn’t like how I’ve gone all funny on him.

I had enough.

After almost being in tears on the train home from seeing a friend that I had such a brilliant time with, my mother pushed me to go see the doctor because I was showing signs of depression. Not only was I diagnosed with depression, I had anxiety too, and that’s when I decided to disappear without a trace. I doubt he has even noticed.

When did I become that person? When did I get so weak that I allowed him to make me sick? Never had I been emotionally abused in the way he had abused me. I can now relate to women who stay in emotionally abusive relationships because it’s that feeling of wanting him to want you, and when you feel like you have got him he pushes you away again and it hurts. So you try again and again and the need to win him over because he makes you feel like you are getting there, and it’s so close that your sheer determination becomes so overpowering it dulls your own sense to look after yourself. Yet, as stupid at it sounds, a month down the line I really miss him, and I have to sit here and remind myself that he gave me anxiety and depression. No, I gave myself anxiety and depression because I allowed him to treat me this way. I’ve done this to myself and I will not do this to myself again.

I find myself scared to spend a day in the house on the weekend alone before I break down. I probably won’t, but the thought makes me nervous and I feel panicked about this weekend because I have neither plans nor money. These days I would rather be digging into my savings to be social before I sit and enjoy my own company and that was never ever me.

I cannot blame him for everything, yes he was an arsehole that was very confused but the one thing he has given me is compassion and understanding of people who are in an emotionally abusive, even physically abusive relationship. It’s so hard to let go because you cling onto a hope that one day they will change, treat you right and they will want you because you feel like you have been so close before that maybe next time it will work.

He has also taught me a lesson about myself; I’m not as tough as I thought I was. To love is to be vulnerable and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I guess I will be saying hello to the 4 years single mark next year…

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

Women Are Just as Bad as Men!

I recently found a blog that caught my interest. It is no longer being updated which is a shame because I would still love to read what he had to say. I came across it by searching one of the search terms put into google that lead that viewer to my blog; “My ex wife is a slag on POF UK” weird… anyway, I came across it within that search. The summary that was given on google intrigued me so I decided to have a look. The guy writing this was talking about his bad experiences on POF in particular and the way women treat men. Ashamed to say I agree with him to some degree! Only some…about 20% I can’t even lie that I behave like the women he has come across.

He categorises all the women on the site in a bad way to conclude that women are just as bad, if not worse than men. I think he is particularly bitter because of his bad experience. From what he says I can tell that he is not the best looking man, he hasn’t got tattoos and rides a motorbike (apparently that’s what western women are looking for, I assume he is talking about American women as I don’t think this is a British person.) I like tattoos but a motorbike is neither here nor there for me.

There is one entry where he writes about a colleague of his who complains about men “making moves on her when she barely knew them and it made her sick. She proclaimed she was looking for a nice guy.” Okay, well fair enough… But then his story progresses, she then complains about the nice guy that she met and that he isn’t making any moves on her, she’s finding it weird and he hasn’t got any tattoos to show that he is tough and can protect her in a fight. (long story, short). I know this to be a desired trait amongst my female friends, the feeling of safety and protection from their man, which I would assume (I know it’s never good to assume but I have no time for research right now) stems from a primitive time. We see such behaviour in animals where the male who wins the battle gets the female. Yes I understand we are more evolved than that but as advanced as we are we still have some kind of primitive influence, we are still animals. Agree or disagree?

As for this girl to throw away a good man then is this right? Just because she is not getting the treatment that she is used to she is complaining, but the treatment that she is used to makes her sick? What does she want? Now of course this is here-say and probably somewhat bias as this is coming from a man’s blog, but let’s say that every part of his story is truth. What does this girl want? What exactly is she looking for? An in between would be ideal I guess! Apparently a few months later she was still on POF looking for that, what I am guessing, in-between. Now, I am a strong believer in not settling if you don’t feel like that person is right for you but do we risk being alone, waiting for this fairy tale Prince who slays drunk guys hitting on you inappropriately; you in one hand and a sword in the other? Whilst being the social drinker who is bubbly and outgoing, gets on with everyone and treat you like a princess? Waiting on you hand and foot but being a real man in bed? Being forever faithful and honest so much so that he wouldn’t even dare look at another woman in a sexual way? But how many men are all of the above? (not that I am looking for the above, just trying to paint a picture of perfection, of course everyone has their preferences). How many women are that perfect too? How many of us wait on out husband hand and foot whist building a career and looking after kids like the modern wife supposedly is expected to do? How many women maintain a sexually appealing dress sense all the time and are good at sex? How many women don’t nag and iron all her men’s shirts showing complete selflessness? (Okay that’s just a typical general view of what men may want, I’m going extremely typical here! I don’t know what men want really hence the name of my blog!) My point is, nobody is perfect.

In another entry he talks about women who take pride in rejecting or ignoring men; women who love the attention to make their egos grow. I have to admit, I like the attention and attraction does factor into a lot of my choices. In a social open environment would you go up to the person you found the least attractive and strike up a conversation in the hope that he/she is a “nice guy/girl” and he/she could be the one? Usually I find people end up with people that they are not initially attracted to because they have known them prior to that as friends or the conversation started off as friendly with friendship intentions and progressed into attraction. I will find it extremely hard to believe that anyone will go up to what you believed to be the least attractive person in the room with sexual intentions or with intentions to get into a relationship, unless of course you were being a horrible person and doing it for a joke.

The truth I believe is online dating has given us all opportunity to be arseholes. To be picky, to abuse and deceive people by posting pictures that are not true reflections of ourselves and take the piss out of people by laughing at some of their profiles or messages. To speak to people only in the hope to hook up. I will openly admit that I do all of the above from time to time, a part from the pictures because I try to put ones up that look like me. Maybe there was a time in the beginning where this was all much more genuine but you give people this kind of platform people will use it in any way they want.

I’ve been ignored by men before but shit happens and you move on! Why dwell on the fact that that person doesn’t regard you worthy of their time? Who cares about them? A for all you know this could a virtual person “catfish”? What matters is that YOU believe that YOU are a great person worthy of a great partner. I believe the trick to finding that person is believing that you are worthy! On and offline, being careful to not become to egotistical. Don’t start you messages with, “you are way out of my league” NO! You send that message like a boss! If they aren’t interested, you send another message to someone else like a boss! Online dating is hard to say the least, the people on it can be shallow and treat others like commodities (Tinder is a perfect example of this). Unfortunately this is something that has to be dealt with when entering the world of online dating. We, men and women, can be just as bad as each other.

To POFsucks1, online dating is what it is, let the shallow, indecisive women forever eternally search for their non-existent perfect man, that’s their choice. You expressed your distaste and dissatisfaction for the whole things so you done the right thing by getting out of it! Unfortunately, I don’t agree with the biased way you monitored your blog, full of insecure men always thinking that the women they meet are too good to be true and digging to find something wrong with them so that they can prove a point! Only featuring women that agree with you to feed your belief that all women online are all the same gold digging, egotistical, self-centred, shallow women. Such a desirable trait of control you show by filtering your blog in such a way that it suppresses women’s differing opinion; only to feature disgruntled single men who think they are clearly some kind of gift to the world and women online and we should all be grateful for all you “nice” guys that hide behind a computer and judge us on your blog! ALL women online must be like this because YOU say so! You, my dear, are an old, bitter arsehole who is upset that his first attempts for a new relationship after this FAILED marriage, below and behold, failed. 4 months after your marriage you were on POF? How about you concentrate on figuring out who you are without your wife rather than trying to suppress your hurt feelings by masking them with the presence of someone else to comfort you? THEN maybe you should look into a new relationship. Good luck, I hope you find your perfect woman to suppress! Arsehole!

http://pofsucks1.wordpress.com/

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman