I have known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to naturally conceive. I’d have to consume strong steroids amongst other undesirable methods to be able to trick my body into ovulating. While I believe that science has brought us a long way, nature also dictates; and nature has dictated to me that I should not be having children. While I do not judge women who do, do this I personally do not want to do this to my body.
Because of my ovaries I have had a number of issues stemming from this, typically with Polycystic ovaries (PCOS)…
- I am hairier than the average girl
- I am hypoglycaemic
- I have alopecia
Outside of this…
- I am lactose intolerant
While some hereditary and some not I have no desperate need to want to pass such ailments on to my kids!
I have slowly found out all of the above at different times in my life which has enabled me to cope with all of them at separate times. And I am okay with them. I have dealt with them in different ways and while I have painted myself as this bloated, diabetic, patchy chimp I have had no issues pulling, but I digress.
I was faced today with someone who told me that this infertility issue was a deal breaker, and it made me really upset! Then angry. I knew full well that this would be the case with a lot of men but I actually thought about this and put it in context. While the guy I that said it to me is a love interest and I absolutely adore, I couldn’t help but get annoyed. It’s not his fault, we are hard wired as humans to want to do repopulate the earth. But I felt less of a woman for a split second because I wasn’t able to do one of the most primitive of things, reproduce.
But I have so much more to offer that was completely overlooked by him, I have been told I am generous, funny, helpful and caring and that I do my best to make things special for people. I graft real hard for the people I care about and I will not be reduced down by a man, even my female gynaecologist, to the ability of my ovaries. I did not choose this life, even if I had an option it wouldn’t be to pop out 15 kids. This is what was given and I am dealing with it in the ways that I am able to. When I am in a financially better position I will 100% adopt a child who deserves a good loving home and you can place bets on that. But I am naturally restricted to having my own; so that makes me less of a desirable candidate than someone who can? Nah.
My “broken” ovaries make me who I am; ailments and all. My physical imperfections, my wretched anxiety and my inability to digest lactose make me special, make me different from the next woman so I do not need your…
“Oh that must suck!”
“Is that okay with you though?”
“Really? Does that not bother you?”
What? That I cannot create a baby? Because that is my sole purpose?
Would that make me more normal? More of a stronger structure in society?
My ovaries are a part of me but do not define my sheer existence in regards to my contribution to the world as we know it. There is more to me than that; there is more to YOU than that.
I am me and I am beautiful, inside and out.