It’s Not Me, it Really is You!

Since I moved back to my home town, I have had 3 guys from my 2 years living out west come back and apologise for how they treated me at the time of us dating. And this made me think… It really wasn’t me. It was them.

Okay granted, I chose them so there is an element of this being somewhat being my continuous fundamental mistake throughout the years. But then it could be argued that you don’t know what they will be like until you date them.

More recently I started talking to a guy who was really nice in the beginning and then just ignored me after. These people do not realise that it makes you question what it is you have done wrong. I am not going to claim that I am a saint, but I have made it my duty to be as honest as their feelings can handle. With this guy all of the following went through my head:

  1. Do I talk too much?
  2. Does my job intimidate him? (This has genuinely been an issue before).
  3. I bet his ex came back…
  4. It’s probably because I am not as well travelled as him…

When the most recent guy from out west came back apologising it put everything into perspective.

It cannot be me all of the time.

I didn’t do a damn thing wrong! I have stayed true to myself in the person that I have shown them I am and that’s all I can offer. I cannot be that undesirable that 3 men in 4 months have come back and said sorry to me, and they would want to try again. The key thing here is that 2 out of 3 of them said that it was because they weren’t ready for a relationship. One of them even said that as he was scrolling through is phone I was the only woman that stood out to him, and how I am so beautiful.

Well… tough shit. I am 170 miles away now.

The question is, why do people get themselves involved with other people when they aren’t ready? I can only think that this has something to do with their confidence and comfort.

If you are feeling emotionally weak then a confidence boost and attention is a great way for you to feel temporality better. To be desired and wanted is always a great feeling, but then in doing so it’s forgotten that actually this is at someone else’s expense. While they are fully aware of the situation, they are clouded by their own emotions to see what they have in front of them. Emotional denial is a terrible thing and should be dealt with, with no collateral damage (in an ideal world).

But if you feel like every guy you meet is “not ready” then this isn’t your fault. No matter how amazing they think you are they can still walk away because of their unstable emotions. And to be honest, he’s done you a favor. He’s wasted your damn time but you should never be someone’s “maybe”. If it’s because they think they could do better then you, let them go. Why do you want a man who doesn’t think the world of you? And even if they don’t feel like you are compatible, you don’t want a WEAK man who can’t be honest with you and just ghosts you. And sometimes they just can’t be bothered, and you don’t want that either.

It’s up to you to know your worth when they are ready and may come crawling back.

Never settle for less than you deserve.

– ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

Polycystic Ovaries = Less of a Woman (Apparently)

I have known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to naturally conceive. I’d have to consume strong steroids amongst other undesirable methods to be able to trick my body into ovulating. While I believe that science has brought us a long way, nature also dictates; and nature has dictated to me that I should not be having children. While I do not judge women who do, do this I personally do not want to do this to my body.

Because of my ovaries I have had a number of issues stemming from this, typically with Polycystic ovaries (PCOS)…

  • I am hairier than the average girl
  • I am hypoglycaemic
  • I have alopecia
PCOS Awareness Infographic

PCOS Awareness Infographic (PRNewsFoto/PCOS Challenge, Inc.)

Outside of this…

  • I am lactose intolerant

While some hereditary and some not I have no desperate need to want to pass such ailments on to my kids!

I have slowly found out all of the above at different times in my life which has enabled me to cope with all of them at separate times. And I am okay with them. I have dealt with them in different ways and while I have painted myself as this bloated, diabetic, patchy chimp I have had no issues pulling, but I digress.

I was faced today with someone who told me that this infertility issue was a deal breaker, and it made me really upset! Then angry. I knew full well that this would be the case with a lot of men but I actually thought about this and put it in context. While the guy I that said it to me is a love interest and I absolutely adore, I couldn’t help but get annoyed. It’s not his fault, we are hard wired as humans to want to do repopulate the earth. But I felt less of a woman for a split second because I wasn’t able to do one of the most primitive of things, reproduce.

But I have so much more to offer that was completely overlooked by him, I have been told I am generous, funny, helpful and caring and that I do my best to make things special for people. I graft real hard for the people I care about and I will not be reduced down by a maneven my female gynaecologist, to the ability of my ovaries. I did not choose this life, even if I had an option it wouldn’t be to pop out 15 kids. This is what was given and I am dealing with it in the ways that I am able to. When I am in a financially better position I will 100% adopt a child who deserves a good loving home and you can place bets on that. But I am naturally restricted to having my own; so that makes me less of a desirable candidate than someone who can? Nah.

My “broken” ovaries make me who I am; ailments and all. My physical imperfections, my wretched anxiety and my inability to digest lactose make me special, make me different from the next woman so I do not need your…

“Oh that must suck!”

or your

“Is that okay with you though?”

or your

“Really? Does that not bother you?”

What? That I cannot create a baby? Because that is my sole purpose?
Would that make me more normal? More of a stronger structure in society?

My ovaries are a part of me but do not define my sheer existence in regards to my contribution to the world as we know it. There is more to me than that; there is more to YOU than that.

I am me and I am beautiful, inside and out.

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

Emotional Abuse – The Aftermath

“Please understand the following. I know you by now, VERY well I believe. You have a tender generous heart combines with a sharp intelligence, only a stupid person would not appreciate this. He is with someone but believe me he will never be with someone like you. Every person that knows you has the benefit. Your friendship will modify their life for good, because that is the power of your unique personality. He doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts”

– A good friend (EP)

I cried after reading that.

EP is a more recent friend and colleague. Our anxiety with relationships and the stress of our jobs brought us closer together. And although this isn’t necessarily a great circumstance, I am glad because I have so much time, love and respect for him. I will always have a soft spot for him.

The emotional abuse I suffered over a year ago now still haunts me to this day.

It has manifested into something beyond just pain. The anxiety has almost consumed my dating life to the point where I longer wanted to pursue it, and tell myself I am better being alone than having to deal with a situation I cannot yet handle. But if I do not put myself out there and deal with it I cannot get over it, so what do I do?

At the end of January 2016 I had a massive freak out with a guy I worked with because he claimed he was too busy to see me for a whole month. Even for a drink after work. I freaked out because he was showing the same characteristics as Carl, the Irish Guard, and I wasn’t interested in being in that place again. So I decided to take a break from dating.

In February Carl got in contact and I broke down. I realised I wasn’t actually over it. After telling him where to go I opted into counselling, but with the current state of the NHS I only got my appointment at the end of April. Between that time I was happy not having to live up to anyones expectations, not having to win anyones affection, just being me. Just being with my friends and family and enjoying what I wanted to do; enjoying the new motorbike I bought myself. Enjoying the company of people who cared about me; until my councillor decided that maybe I should get myself back out there to conquer my fear of being treated like an inferior. And I done it the only way I knew how. Online.

In a more recent month-long affair I had, it was somewhat refreshing. It was nice to be respected, to know where I stood. Until one day he began to treat me exactly like Carl did when I began to show some real interest. In order to defend myself I automatically began to take procedures to shut it down. I refuse to be treated like I am inferior and that I do not deserve the most basic respect of telling me what is really going on; just to ignore me after asking me what I am doing on the weekend.
It’s weak.
It’s not cool.
It’s not masculine.
It’s disrespectful.

My natural reaction was to get anxious. I was anxious for a day and then I thought… Why am I getting anxious? Why am I wasting my thoughts and happiness on someone who hasn’t got the back bone to tell me what his issue is? But what am I going to do differently next time? How can I prevent something I have no control over? This is my issue. This is what prevents my anxiety but also causes it.

Control

If I can control a situation then I can prevent the pain, or cushion the blow. But how do you do that in a relationship? You can’t…

Quotefancy-13815-3840x2160.jpg

Then he responded.

“So obviously I went out and got drunk last night because of the meeting I had, you’re probably not going to like this, because you must know how much I have come to like you in such a short space of time. I reckon there is not a chance of you waiting for me as it looks like I am getting deployed on the 22nd of this month. I mean, I would like you to wait for me but the ball is pretty much in your court.”

2 days of nothing.
Then that.

He was out on the piss because he is now going on tour for 6 months to Afghanistan. While this is something that of course warrants a big piss up RAF style, I still feel like 2 days of no contact whatsoever was still not fair on me. He knows this behaviour makes me anxious but how much am I supposed to be okay with? I don’t know. That’s a big deal right? He want’s a relationship with me but then doesn’t tell me until 2 days after finding out that he is going? Then asks me to wait for him. Is that fair? My sister says that I have to release some control and learn to be okay with it but do I really? I don’t know if he would think it’s okay if I done that. Probably not. So why do it to me?

I said to him I thought he had lost interest because I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He asked why? I said because usually when a guy treats me like it’s because he want’s to get rid of me. Then he said he doesn’t know why I would think that. It’s because he doesn’t understand and probably never will.

So he is going away, I like him but I am not in a relationship with him, what to do…?
I mean, I am 25 going on mid-life crisis with this motorbike but it makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
My family makes me happy.
I was happy before he made me just a little more happy.

But our last meal together for the year is on Friday.

We will see.

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

Military Action on My Depression

I met a squaddie in May time and part of me wishes I hadn’t.

You see, squaddies seem to have a reputation in my area for being a complete no go for a relationship. In my situation this would be correct.

Carl would not leave me alone when I was just trying to be drunk and merry with one of my best friends in the tackiest but only club we could afford to go to at the time. He tried his best to get his grubby little mits on me but I refused his advances knowing what his occupation was. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a man in the army, but it’s an insanely difficult relationship with them being away for so long and being faithful is somewhat questionable from both parties, but I digress.

After adding him on snap chat and him putting his number in my phone I ignored him for week until he found me on Plenty of Fish in locals. He said he’s not looking for a relationship (no surprises there) and that someone as beautiful as me shouldn’t have to commit to one guy (because I like to sleep around of course!) I continued to ignore him after that until he asked me if I was out that Friday night. There was no plan to be out that night but I reluctantly ended up going anyway. Who turns up?

Carl.

It was that night he won me over, so sweet, so charming and so so funny with his northern accent. That was it. He had me.

The next night he was in my bed, both drunk out of our faces. Nothing really happened but he had seen me completely naked, that’s about it… maybe throw in a couple of fingers…

We talked everyday since then and I fell for his boyish, laddish charm. But in the space of 2 and a half months he has made me cry more than I have cried in the 6 months prior to him. Although he did say to me that he didn’t want a relationship and he is happy for me to date other men, as soon as I honored his requests to keep myself emotionally detached from him I was the bad person and the slut. He suddenly developed feelings for me and didn’t want to share. He really hurt my feelings that night, I cried uncontrollably and lost a good few hours sleep because I was so anxious and upset, which by the way was something he’s done to me a good few times afterwards.

He would tell me that he wanted me and when I got closer again he would push me away and tell me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Cake and eat it situation. From saying he would want to be my husband one day to going home for a weekend and spending a world of time with his ex-girlfriend. To see him I would reduce myself to the point of offering to come round just so we could have sex and he would say no, then he would text me later on saying he’s imagining us having sex. He played on my feelings knowing how I felt about him, making comments about other girls to get a reaction out of me. Telling me he missed me then wouldn’t make time to see me, and when I got distant with him he would get upset and say he doesn’t like how I’ve gone all funny on him.

I had enough.

After almost being in tears on the train home from seeing a friend that I had such a brilliant time with, my mother pushed me to go see the doctor because I was showing signs of depression. Not only was I diagnosed with depression, I had anxiety too, and that’s when I decided to disappear without a trace. I doubt he has even noticed.

When did I become that person? When did I get so weak that I allowed him to make me sick? Never had I been emotionally abused in the way he had abused me. I can now relate to women who stay in emotionally abusive relationships because it’s that feeling of wanting him to want you, and when you feel like you have got him he pushes you away again and it hurts. So you try again and again and the need to win him over because he makes you feel like you are getting there, and it’s so close that your sheer determination becomes so overpowering it dulls your own sense to look after yourself. Yet, as stupid at it sounds, a month down the line I really miss him, and I have to sit here and remind myself that he gave me anxiety and depression. No, I gave myself anxiety and depression because I allowed him to treat me this way. I’ve done this to myself and I will not do this to myself again.

I find myself scared to spend a day in the house on the weekend alone before I break down. I probably won’t, but the thought makes me nervous and I feel panicked about this weekend because I have neither plans nor money. These days I would rather be digging into my savings to be social before I sit and enjoy my own company and that was never ever me.

I cannot blame him for everything, yes he was an arsehole that was very confused but the one thing he has given me is compassion and understanding of people who are in an emotionally abusive, even physically abusive relationship. It’s so hard to let go because you cling onto a hope that one day they will change, treat you right and they will want you because you feel like you have been so close before that maybe next time it will work.

He has also taught me a lesson about myself; I’m not as tough as I thought I was. To love is to be vulnerable and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I guess I will be saying hello to the 4 years single mark next year…

– Confessions of the Confused Woman

And it’s All Over…

I understand that once you put something on the internet it is now in the public domain for everyone to read and see. It no longer becomes private and I should be prepared for any repercussions. Unfortunately, I made a few stupid decisions and my blog has been discovered by a colleague who clearly went through some obscure channels to find my blog. I’m not sure why this person wanted to so desperately know about my personal life but it is what it is!

I have learnt a lot from this situation about who to trust and the image that I ‘should’ be maintaining. I am an open person, this is what makes me who I am, but unfortunately I will now have to pick and choose who I trust in the future considering my life is now changing professionally.

I am very sad to have to stop writing for you all. This is something I really enjoyed! I documented my journey and it was so much fun reading you guys comments as well! I built this blog up from absolutely nothing only to have to cut it down!

My ‘public friendly’ posts are still available to read but my most popular posts are no longer available.

I will be back in the future, trust me on that one! But now I know how long it has takes to build up my presence on here I feel like my next launch has to be done correctly and cannot be rushed. As for my Twitter account, out of deep regret I will have to remove that too! Of course I will not be posting anything on here about my new domain but for the guys that always entertained me I assure you I will still be following your journey!

I am not sure how to feel about this. Pissed off because my wishes were completely disregarded out of total lack of respect? Upset because I thought I could trust people? Or just take the blame head on for my own stupidity! Either way the outcome is the same; I cannot trust anymore therefore I have to stop before it gets too out of hand.

My final post to you all as Ms Confused Woman! I am so upset! I wanted to end this blog by telling you I finally found a boyfriend but I guess we can’t always have what we want!

It’s been great guys, shame it ended far too soon!

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

Mistresses, Slaves and Submissives

…Apparently slaves and submissives are 2 different things! Or so I learnt in my Mistress class for beginners I attended on the Saturday just gone.

I booked this class 2 weeks before hand and once I paid the deposit, I had to go. I have always wanted to explore the fetish scene but never really had the knowledge on where to begin. Funnily enough I found this class through my Twitter account (@confessdating) and I had no idea what I was in for when I booked it!

I did not know there were so many fetishes and so many definitions and types of Mistresses and slaves! Let me breakdown some of what I learnt:

Slaves = These people are there for YOUR pleasure and to do what YOU want, clean, cook etc.

Submissive = They will tell you what THEY want and what THEY enjoy and you just act it out as their Mistress. You are obviously still in control.

Pro Domme = I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly that they do this for a living.

Goddess = Have people lounging around all the time doing what every she wants and they are like puppies.

Findom = A Dom who pretends to be this princess who sits on her satin pillows all day and men send her money and gifts. She has to maintain this persona online all the time. It is not necessary for her to meet them in person or show her flesh.

Mistress = Is as the word means, bit on the side! Not always though! Doesn’t have to be about sex and you can get paid if you want to!

That was just a snippet of what I learnt. People often have this perception of a Pro – Domme or a Mistress as a this tough woman who whips men. No! Not at all! I was so relieved to hear that you do not have to be that way to be a Mistress because I much prefer to give pleasure than pain! I believe the pain part compliments the pleasure in that the pleasure is heightened in a way. I would just like to be in control of that pleasure, and thats the kind of Mistress I would be should I decide I want to be one! The Mistress that was taking the class also mentioned that there are certain things she does not do, and as a Mistress you don’t have to do everything! A common misconception! I don’t think I could put needles in someone for example but there’s other stuff I would do. She also mentioned that she only “plays” with guys that she fancies otherwise she sees no point! They give her something like fixing up her house, and they get what they want which isn’t always sex, sounds like a pretty amazing deal to me!

Then came the rope bondage….

I, fucking, loved it! I need to go to another class that specifically teaches rope bondage! There was something about the restriction of the chest harness and the control of my pleasure being in someone else’s hands that was great! There was no nudity or anything; that would have been a fetish party!

I am not sure how far I will delve into this fetish scene… maybe not so much that my blog has to change to Confessions of the Mistress! But maybe enough to give those of you who know little to nothing about the scene some insight.

I will keep you posted!

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman

10 Typical Male Online Dating Profiles

I don’t have any idea what a typical female profile looks like but I have a pretty good idea of what mens profiles look like and frankly, I am getting bored of it. Let me go really typical and see if I can briefly reconstruct 10 typical male profiles.

Profile 1: The lad

Danny-Dyer

Danny Dyer, typical lad!

I like to go out and have fun with my mates, always out on the weekend getting pissed and I am looking for a beautiful, fun and bubbly girl who is always up for a laugh. I also don’t mind having a cuddle on in front of the telly and a nice take away with the misses.

Profile 2: The bear wrestling adventurist

grylls

I love traveling and seeing new things. I love to explore, hike, camp, fish, and just nonchalantly walk the great walk of China and wrestle wild animals in Kenya. I’m pretty much Bear Grylls!

Profile 3: The meat head

vin-diesel-630

Gym, girls, clubs, sex. That is all because all of that makes me totally irresistible. I am not oozing sexually transmitted infections at all!

Profile 4: The submissive

url

I believe in female domination. I enjoy objectification, bondage and generally being a slave. I am willing to be at your beck and call all hours of the day to rub your feet, clean and cook for you. I do not ask for anything in return other than to be your slave.

Profile 5: The lazy bastard

homer_sleeping

Hey I don’t really know what to put here so just ask because I am lazy and wonder why people don’t bother to reply to me.

Profile 6: The arsehole

damon-salvatore-fanpop-86594

Okay so Ian Somerhalder is just yummy but he plays a good arsehole. Either way for me, nice guy or not he’d still get it!

No I don’t care about your feelings, I don’t care about your ex, I don’t want to beat your ex up for you, no I don’t want to have babies, I don’t want a baby mother. If you have shagged more than 5 guys you are a slag and I am not interested. I might reply to your message I might not, if not don’t be offended you are probably just ugly. Most of the girls on here are slags anyway. I have female issues probably due to the tons of rejection I have received in the past.

Profile 7: The sports mad

football

I love to cycle everyday, play football on the weekends and 5 a side on wednesdays. I run at least 4 times a week and I would love to find a girl that will enjoy all of this with me because I have quite honestly lost my mind.

Profile 8: The Loser Nerd

wow-jenkins1

I love video games and comic con, I am currently playing world of warcraft and I am not sure what sunlight looks like. I am not Big Bang Theory nerd where I have intelligence on my side, just a gamer nerd that is too addicted to find a decent job.

Profile 9: The hard worker

TonyStark

I love my job, I have a billion rolexes, own a suede finished Bentley and drive around like a boss. I work really hard but I play harder because that’s not cheesy and cliché at all.

Profile 10: The Socially Awkward

as-jeremy-gilbert-jeremy-gilbert-lindo-stefan-salvatore-steven-r-mcqueen-the-vampire-diaries-Favim.com-75191

I’m really nervous, shy and socially awkward in person but then once you get to know me and I am comfortable with you then I am actually quite a bubbly person, take pity on me I am really adorable.

I missed out the musician but then I don’t come across many of those guys. I only really have problems with 3, 5, 6 and 8 for fairly obvious reasons. 

-ConfessionsOfTheConfusedWoman